The ending of a relationship is usually a fraught time, generally as much for the person opting to make the break as for the person being broken up at. Maybe “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, but a woman scorning can often run her a close second, and though we guys may (stereotypically, at least) deal with these things with unique methods, it is probably fair to say that we’re all capable of letting out words that will make us cringe if we said them in much easier situations.
Now I’ve on no account met Donald; for all I know he may be the perfect gentleman. Nevertheless, suffice to say that is not how he appeared in KS’s map of the world – I was knowing what she told me on this juncture was, well, intended (is that the correct word, though?) to be very critical.
So how did this comment get its place in the sun? Where’s the learning? Very well, luckily for me, though the ending of the relationship arrived as a big and repulsive surprise, I was 100% sure that I was not abusive. And so I started developing a translation of KS’s words, and what I came up with was this:
I had hoped that this relationship would be truly great
I now believe it isn’t, so I am baffled and, naturally, disappointed
Of my two earlier major relationships, one was characterised by boredom, the other by abuse, and there’s no way I am able to see you as boring!
So my unconscious map of what failing relationships are like implications you must fall into the other category
And as I am feeling puzzled and disappointed (see above), I hurt
Loads
Therefore I am afraid I currently don’t have the resources to search for a third option
Normal service will be continued as soon as possible
Now certainly I did not impress this translation on KS (for the reason that flying crockery hurts!), but it made it easier for me to have a word with her, and my, feelings at the end of the relationship while not adding an extra emotional load to the process.
Yet regardless of the great fortune of being in a space on this occasion where I could deal with this seemingly harsh criticism reasonably proficiently, the circumstances set me thinking. How many times had I been faced with words, usually just as short and often considerably less directly critical, that I had taken very personally, leading to a toxic cocktail of anger, self-pity, confusion and/or self-recrimination? And how much fallout had I lived with as a result? It was a really scary thought.
So I determined:
Always translate.
And do it creatively.
Give the speaker the benefit of the doubt, for their sake, yes, and – especially – for the sake of my very own current and future happiness.
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